Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Not so good at this...

Well, I have been having some "learning moments" with myself lately. I am not so good at this pregnancy thing. There are things that I love about being pregnant--namely being able to feel my little girl kick and punch me and just knowing that she is in there. There are also things that I have not enjoyed at all. Some areas of this adventure that I did not expect or anticipate in any way have been the anxious feelings and constant worry that I have experienced {and am experiencing} around every corner. I always thought being pregnant would be the most wonderful experience. So many women seem to just LOVE being pregnant, are full of advice, and act like they have it all figured out... Not me.

I am not an anxious or worrisome person. I enjoy life. I roll with the punches. I look at life situations as part of the adventure. I love to have fun, and I'm usually up for anything. USUALLY. Not so much with this. During this pregnancy, I have been focused on the next marker--confirming the pregnancy, hearing the heartbeat, having the ultrasound, etc. It's like I expect that once I reach those points, THEN I will feel OK and completely at peace. We reach each milestone; I am at peace for a week or two; then the worry seeps in again. I have almost worked myself into a frenzy before each doctor's appointment. Sometimes days before, sometimes a week before. I have almost debilitated myself to even function and take joy in each day. I have worried about things such as ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, any and every chromosomal abnormality, feeling fetal movement, me having high blood pressure, preterm labor, and then all of the steps to come. Each appointment has gone well, and my fears have been alleviated--temporarily.

I am a believer. I know my Lord is in control, that he has a plan, that he has knit and is knitting her together in my womb, that he ordains each day and each life. My faith has gotten me through all of the hard situations in my life--the Lord, with his protective hands, has carried me through. I can honestly say that I have experienced the Lord's faithfulness and his new mercy and grace each morning. I don't understand why this time in my life is proving to be such a difficult faith test. I do know that Satan is trying to steal my joy. {I even also realize that my hormones are playing a role in some of my emotions and anxiety.} I want, I NEED, to figure out a way to be faithful through this process.

This past week, I have had a legitimate concern about a potential pregnancy complication. However, my fear of the worst crippled me from taking action. I prayed and prayed and prayed, but even my prayers were timid--I was holding back. I talked to my mom finally, and she just encouraged me to face my fears. I called my doctor and spoke his nurse, and they validated my concern and their need to check me out; and after today, I feel so much better because I faced my fear. I was able to get the treatment and answers that I needed, and God is continuing to protect Addy and me. I was able to ask my doctor all of my questions {I had a list in hand so that my nervousness wouldn't turn into forgetfulness}, talk to him about all of my anxiety and worries, and just be honest. He was so reassuring to me and made me feel affirmed. Praise the Lord. He is Good.

Even through all of these things I am experiencing, I am thankful that the Lord is showing me an area of spiritual growth that I can be intentional about during this time. I pray that He will use my vulnerability to help me become dependent on Him through each day and each step. I hope to live each day with joy and thankfulness. I pray to glorify Him through these special months.

My latest whisper of hope...

5 comments:

RJTrue said...

I love you! I'm praying for you, Addy and Patrick.

God is good ...

Jesse Faris said...

I love and appreciate you honesty. It is always refreshing to me, and I know others find comfort in it. You are in our daily prayers. (You is plural, by the way. ;) )

Jen said...

Pregnancy is definitely not easy. I'm always amazed by those women who make it seem like it is. I wonder, maybe they are just baby machines or they are just terrific liars! :)

Thinking of you!!! Love you!

Anonymous said...

I am so thankful that you went back to the doctor to get everything checked out. I admire your courage of facing your fears. Pregnancy is hard and not a walk in the park like some people make it seem. Please know that I am always here to talk. I love you, Patrick, and Addy so much. I can't wait for her to finally be here. Get ready for your last trimester!!

Love you,
Linds

Lori said...

oh kristy! i too appreciate your honesty...and your faith!! it's so cool that you can try to use this time of uncertainty as a chance to learn to depend on God so much more. the devil is trying so hard to squelch your trust...but you have kept on stomping him in the head. way to go! know that i love you...and am praying for you!!!!